It took turning 30 to come to terms with the fact that I truly have a melancholy soul.
As a child (and my mother can testify to this), my crying episodes would more often than not last hours. Although I didn’t understand how to express it then, I simply felt an inexplicable, deep sadness within me. Sadness is an old and very close friend of mine. I meet people and wonder how they are so happy all the time. It almost makes me suspicious of them because to me, sadness is a beautiful thing. It’s as important to me as experiencing happiness.
To know both is to truly live.
This melancholy that follows me silently through the days also makes me feel alive, ironically.
It’s what that causes me to pick up a paint brush. A camera. A notepad. It pushes me creatively; and yes, I’ve collapsed in my kitchen floor in a fit of hysteria. In my room, my car, you name it; because sometimes it is much more than I can take.But to know such a heightened emotion is one of the reasons I can arguably say I know what true happiness is. When happiness comes, it sweeps me off my feet and electrifies my soul. It is so poignant- so sharp- it feels as if it can cut the very air I breathe.
It’s usually the most random thing that causes it too. I’ll see a stranger playing fetch with their dog; I’ll see the smoke rising from my cup of warm coffee. Or the chorus of a song (i’ve heard a million times before) will strike a chord in me. And I’ll sit there and feel my whole body overwhelm itself with gratitude and love. It makes me well up with tears of joy.
I’ve learned now, that’s how our bodies work.
I read somewhere that we cry because our bodies need to express that which we can’t put in words. Whether in happiness, anger, or sadness.
Honestly that’s the most accurate description I’ve ever read.Crying is important. It helps our bodies release all those things that our minds can’t give words to. Once they are out, they are out. We give them air to breathe and fade away.
Never hold back tears.
They are the words your soul simply doesn’t have the energy to utter in a language your mind can comprehend; but it gets them out of you. That is SO important to understand. As women and men (who sometimes are incorrectly raised to believe that showing emotion is a sign of weakness).
We as humans can so easily fall into our emotions. That’s only a bad thing when we fall into the trap that the emotion we’re feeling will never go away. I am learning to become a witness of my emotions the way I witness a bird on a tree. I understand as i’m feeling it and giving attention to it, it is there; but in time, it will fly away. Feelings never stay. So feel them all. Even your deep sadness. Feel them intensely, but understand that they too, will fade away. Don’t berate yourself for not finding happiness all of the time. For one, it’s impossible and two, it’s such an empty way to live.
All my love,